August 24, 2008
we are back from Mexico, and I am slowly making my way back into society.
I took some great photos in Mexico. I’ll post a few here soon.
Book title: From Pink to Green: Disease Prevention and the Environmental Breast Cancer Movement (Rutgers University Press, to be published sometime in late 2009).
Next Friday is our two-year LID anniversary. Melting Pot, here we come…
April 19, 2008
Really, I am. My final draft of the book is due in the beginning of July. Not sure how much posting I’ll get in before then. But I’ll try here and there. I hope everyone is well. I haven’t really been doing much blog reading, either. Just alot of scrabulous on facebook to provide me with some entertainment as I revise things.
Snow Monkey and I are also making our way through Buffy the Vampire Slayer in the evenings and weekends. He watched the whole series when it was on back in the day. I didn’t, so we’re doing DVDs. We’ve just finished episode eight of season four.
I don’t think we’re going to watch seasons five through seven, as I’ve seen a bunch of those episodes already and the show went downhill a bit by then. Not sure what our next Netflix project will be.
Happy Saturday!
January 10, 2008
The China program keeps getting slower and slower. The CCAA has processed dossiers up through December 19, 2005. It took the CCAA six months to get through November 2005 dossiers, and it will probably take them the same amount of time to get through December. It’s very possible that they will only process one-day of dossiers (December 20) for the next batch. We’ll be lucky if we get a referral before the end of 2010.
There’s no reason for us to pull out, but we have also stopped basing our other efforts to start a family on the China adoption. If it works out, great, but it’s too uncertain and too far into the future to base life decisions on it. Luckily, we still have some options left for starting a family.
January 9, 2008
Just so you all know, my posts might be a bit on the emotionally heavy side for a bit. One reason why I started up with the blog again is because I wanted to take some time to process assorted issues that I’m struggling with. Hopefully I’ll get enough of it out of my system in the not-to-distant future so I’ll be able to write some lighter posts. The lighter posts are in me, I promise. 
January 9, 2008
This last BFN–which we received on Christmas Eve–was pretty tough. It sucked to get a BFN, of course, but the BFN also signified the end of our year-long quest to get pregnant via our first IVF retrieval/fertilization from January 2007. It also marked the end of three years of trying to start a family.
What I have come to realize since the BFN last month is that I need to change how I approach all this fertility and trying to start a family stuff. For the past three years, we’ve been so focused on the current plan or figuring out the next plan, always assuming that something has to work out sometime. I am now realizing, however, that it might not hapen anytime soon. It’s already been three years and for all we know, if could be three more years, if not longer, before we become parents. Assuming we get to become parents at all,which isn’t a guarantee (I[‘m not trying to be pessismistic, just stating that facts). Thus, I feel that instead of just fighting against the infertility by always focusing on the latest plan, I also have to learn how to live with it, in spite of it. That is, I need to not get caught up in the whole trying to start a family thing to the point where I stop living my life, which is what I feel like has been slowly happening over the course of a long period of time. We may not have kids for a long time, so I have to find a way to enjoy life in the meantime and stay connected to the world and find a way to live with the uncertainty regarding the kid thing. It’s all about letting go and giving up the illusion that somehow, if I just focus all my energy on trying to have a kid, then I’ll get one. So far, that strategy hasn’t been working to well. At the same time, letting go isn’t about giving up or not coming up with plans. It’s just about cultivating a mindset where I keep moving forward with our plans without getting tunnel vision. I’m not sure if that makes sense or not. I’m still trying to figure it all out myself.
January 8, 2008
Thanks Sbird, Atomic Mama, and Walternatives for welcoming me back so quickly after I wrote my last post. That was a very pleasant surprise:-) I don’t have much time to write, but I wanted to give a brief update on what’s been going on these past few months while I was away from the blogging world.
1) It turns out that one can develop post-partum issues after a miscarriage (who knew?). I had postpartum anxiety for about 6-7 weeks at the beginning of my semester. It sucked. So did the postpartum hair loss. If I had to suffer through post-partum issues, it would have been nice to at least have gotten a baby out of it all.
2) We did another FET last month and it didn’t work. It also turns out that Lupron gives me blood pressure/vascular problems, which I am still dealing with.
3) The first draft of my book manuscript is due in 3-4 weeks. If I’m not posting much until then, this is probably why.
4) A lesson that I recently learned: It was probably a bad idea to do another FET while recovering from post-partum anxiety and trying to finish my book manuscript all at the same time. Oh, and not taking more than a day off at a time from work and/or fertility things in over a year probably didn’t help matters.
5) Assuming that I have no major health issues, I’m feeling relaxed about (or am officially done with) the book, and my hormones are back in balance, we’ll probably do our last IVF cycle in late spring summer. If it doesn’t work, we’ll turn to Plan D, whatever that is.
6) The state of China adoption is really depressing. We’re most likely at least three years away from a referral, assuming the program doesn’t end before this.
7) Snow Monkey and I are going on our first vacation in over a year after my book is done. From February 14-18, we’re going to Charleston, SC for four nights and three days. Woo Hoo!
Infertility can really suck the life out of a person. After three years of trying to start a family with no success, I’m feeling pretty worn down. My resolution this year is to get out of my funk and do a better job at not letting life pass me by while we wait for a child to come into our lives.
9) I discovered my new favorite chocolate this fall. Green and Black’s 70% dark organic.
10) I have returned to Quaker meeting after four years away from it. It feels good to be back. Although I have to find a way to stay connected to my buddhist practice and community. I am a member of my buddhist group and run the children’s program. So I’m not sure how this all is going to turn out.
11) I realized this week that my window for finding pants that fit me is officially over. For the past five years, I have been able to find pants–mainly at Ann Taylor Loft–that fit great. This past weekend, I went pants shopping for the first time in several years and NOTHING at any store fit me. Not jeans, not work pants, nothing. I’m sure I’ll find something at some point, but the days of strolling into Ann Taylor Loft, pulling a pair a pants off the rack, and doing a quick fit before buying them are a thing of the past. Wah.
12) Speaking of books (See #5), Snow Monkey’s book is out. Search for it by typing his name into Amazon.com
13) I think that it is for now.
January 8, 2008
I may be back, soon, I think.
September 3, 2007
Snow Monkey and I “celebrated”–albeit in a weary and bitter sort of way–our 1-year LID anniversary last Wednesday on the 29th. That’s right. We have been waiting for a little over a year now for our referral. Only two more years to go.
To give you a sense of how much things have slowed down on the China adoption front, the CCAA completed only four months of referrals in the past year. Also, September’s referrals arrived today, and they covered a measly four days worth of dossiers (November 22-25). That means the folks who just received their referrals waited a little over 21 months. There are a little over nine months of dossiers ahead of us.
On the brighter side, August 2006 LIDS (which includes us) are currently being reviewed by the CCAA right now. Finally! Hopefully, we’ll get past review in the next few weeks without needing to redo any paperwork . The danger is that depending on the nature of the paperwork, having to redo stuff could mean losing your place in line by a month or more. The one thing we’re a bit worried about is that the CCAA might want more medical documentation on Snowmonkey’s congenital heart valve problem. In this case, no news is good news.
That’s it for now.
July 25, 2007
I got this from my friend, Greta, who found it on MySpace. I was a newbie barbie at one point and time, but I am definitely now a veteran barbie. In case you are wondering, SnowMonkey is not IVF Ken Barbie. There needs to be another Ken option who is not a wanker. LOL.
IVF Barbie
When Mattel were looking to design their new Barbie, IVF Barbie, they soon realized that there was not one universal Barbie that would accurately portray the spirit of IVF Barbie. So they decided they would come out with a few variations thereof.
Newbie Barbie: Newbie Barbie, also known as BabyDust Barbie is a bright, perky, Barbie, filled with optimism and confidence that IVF Will Work. She is thinner and usually younger than the other IVF Barbies. Her accessories include rose-tinted spectacles, a positive bank balance, healthy insurance coverage and a million questions. Newbie Barbie has lots of other Newbie Barbie friends and they congratulate each other on a job well done. This Barbie only says pleasant, optimistic things and believes that Attitude is Everything. Their motto is Think Positive!!
Pregnant Newbie Barbie: Pregnant Newbie Barbie is the big sister to Newbie Barbie. She is still slim, now with a cute belly. She is proof that IVF Does Work, usually the first time. She also comes with rose-tinted spectacles, a positive bank balance (only very slightly depleted) and total confidence that All Will Be OK. She glows when pregnant and liberally uses baby dust when playing with her sisters, the Newbie Barbies. She comes with Very Cute maternity clothes, a double stroller, and a fully decorated nursery even though she is only just a few weeks pregnant. Her motto is ‘See! Thinking Positive Works!!’. Newbie Barbie and Pregnant Newbie Barbies are great playmates and you can collect them as a set.
Joiner Barbie: Joiner Barbie is cousin to Newbie Barbie and Pregnant Newbie Barbie. Joiner Barbie comes with a group of friends just like her, and this group calls themselves by the name of a furry animal or has reference to a season. Think Spring Blossoms or Bubbly Bunnies. Accessories include a chart or table of some sorts, lots of smiley faces, baby dust (a glitter-like tub of ground up positive attitude that apparently has the power of hocus pocus to make one pg), declarations of eternal friendship and love and lots of ((((hugs)))).
Veteran Barbie: Veteran Barbies are not at all related to the Barbies above. Veteran Barbies are the Anti-Barbie. They are a whole lot plumper than the Newbie Barbies, less perky (in boobs and attitude), have grayer hair, a largely negative and over-drawn bank balance, plenty of bruises and marks and a slightly cynical attitude. They are dressed in comfy track pants with elasticated waistbands. Their accessories include a wealth of knowledge of reproductive procedures and protocol, the ability to practically do their own cycle, a snarky attitude, little tolerance for stupidity, a well defined sense of humor, the ability to laugh at themselves, a fondness for wine/beer/crack and a aversion to pineapple, baby dust and Newbie Barbies. This aversion in its more severe form can be allergic and acerbic. Veteran Barbies tend to swear quite a bit (especially when playing in the Barbie House with Newbie Barbies and Pregnant Newbie Barbies) and parental guidance is advised.
Pregnant Veteran Barbie: Very similar to Veteran Barbie, only now with an added dose of neuroses and paranoia. Continuously and obsessively over-analyses every twinge, convinced that the end is nigh. Only buys stroller and decorates nursery when in eighth month. Accessories include disbelief and a sense of not quite belonging, and 10 home pregnancy tests just in case the first one was faulty or the clinic made a mistake with her beta. Pregnant Veteran Barbies have been known to pee on the sticks up until the day before giving birth just to see the two lines.
Celebrity IVF Barbie: Celeb Barbie comes in two versions: Denial Celeb Barbie and Out the Closet IVF Barbie. Denial Celeb Barbie does not play with the other Barbies and pretends not to be an IVF Barbie at all. She drops the IVF part of her name and thinks ‘Donor Eggs’ is aswear word. She pretends that her twins at age 49 are Natural and she did it all On Her Own. She also claims her boobs are her own and that she has never had a face life, hence her credibility is not at an all time high. Out the Closet IVF Barbie is the preferred Barbie. We like her.
IVF Ken: Ken is a wanker. Sorry to sound so harsh, but besides being a wanker there is very little that Ken does in IVF land. Sometimes Ken administers shots, hands out tissues and occasionally accompanies the Barbies to their Dr’s visits (normally during the first few cycles only), but mostly he is just a wanker. If you choose an IVF Ken, then try and get one that also cooks or does DIY. Otherwise just sit him down in front of your Barbie TV and let him know when it is time for him to do his, um, contribution. Mostly the Barbies love their Kens, unless Ken is being particularly insensitive or obnoxious, then he becomes a wanker in all senses of the word. Some IVF Barbies don’t even have a Ken and they do just fine. If you do find a good Ken, hang on to him, don’t swap him with your other friends.
RE Ken: RE Ken is the all knowing, all seeing Ken. He might be a wanker, or not, but here we are talking about being a wanker in the figurative sense. He could also be very nice. He may call you by your first name but you may only call him Doctor. His accessories are many and wonderful. He comes with a zooty new car (normally very expensive), a smart house, a very healthy bank balance and a holiday home or two. RE Ken knows every thing and is considered second only to God. Some RE Kens are kind, some are not. They are all rich. Ken’s office is filled with fun toys like ultra sound machines, dildo like probes, waiting rooms filled with the different types of Barbies (some annoyingly come with miniature Barbies or Kens en tow), medicines, procedures rooms etc. RE Ken also comes with a free Nurse (Ratchet) Barbie, who will not return your calls, will hand out annoying platitudes and generally add to your frustration levels. When purchasing RE Ken you will get Ultrasound Ken and BloodDrawer Ken. Unfortunately they come as a package deal and you are not able to get RE Ken without them, they aren’t as much fun. However, you will need a RE Ken if you are going to play the IVF Barbie game.
Mattel foresee a big demand for these Barbies and say that for extra fun and lively interaction, collect the full set of IVF Barbies, put them in the Barbie house together and see the sparks fly.
July 10, 2007
First off, I want to thank everyone who offered Snowmonkey and I support and condolences for our pregnancy loss. It really meant a lot to us. Now that we’ve had over a week to grieve and process this loss, I wanted to attempt to articulate some thoughts and feelings that I have had. FYI, these thoughts are very preliminary and not full fleshed out. I’m still trying to sort them out for myself.
1) The culture of pregnancy loss is more mother-centered than father-centered. That is, the mother recieves more attention from others than the father does. Plus, there are more resources (written, online, etc.) for mothers experiencing pregnancy loss than there are for fathers experiencing it. Both Snowmonkey and I noticed this. Part of it has to do with how our culture equates reproduction, fertility, pregnancy, and parenthood with womenhood/motherhood and leaves fathers/men on the sidelines. We’ve noticed this at other times, particularly in the context of our infertility treatments, which we are doing because of SnowMonkey’s infertility problem.
The other reason why fathers get left out of the culture of pregnancy loss is because our society focuses more on the physical dimensions of miscarriage (which the woman goes through) than on the emotional dimensions of miscarriage (which both parents go through). Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that people/society ignore the emotional dimensions of miscarriage. Rather, it is that pregnancy loss is a taboo subject of sorts, a topic that you’re not supposed to dwell on for too long because it makes people uncomfortable. In other words, the emotional pain of a miscarriage last much longer than the physical pain, but after a certain point, you’re not supposed to talk about that emotional pain anymore.
2) I had a natural miscarriage, which means that I waited until my body was ready to expel the fetus and uterine tissue rather than have a D&C or induce the miscarriage with drugs. To be sure, the miscarriage sucked. It started full force around 12:30 PM yesterday and lasted until 10:00 that night. The most severe pain occurred between 8 and 10 PM. People liken miscarriage pains to early labor contractions but without the breaks in between. I can relate to that description, as my cramps/contractions during that two-hour time period didn’t let up the entire time. (Although once my body expelled all the clots it needed to get out, the contractions ended pretty quickly). I am glad I belong to a pregnancy and mothering support group, as I would not have been prepared for the amount of blood and clots that came out of my body. Nor would I have been prepared for the physical pain of it all. In short, I found the experience physically and emotionally exhausting.
At the same time, I also found the experience empowering and exhilerating. Your body goes through this very intense process and it just sort of knows what it needs to do to expel the fetus from the body. I really appreciated having the opportunity to experience my body as it did its thing. I also found it empowering to find ways to manage the pain without drugs. When the two hour contraction surge set in, I sort of instinctually knew what I needed to do to deal with the pain. I had a sense that walking would help, which it did. I also had a sense that certain–albeit modifed–yoga positions would help, and I was right. Perhaps my most important insight came when I tried to lie down on my back at one point (I was trying to watch a movie through some of this and though that lying down would help) and the position made my pain much worse. This made me experience first how how the traditional position for giving birth (on your back) is not necessarily the best way to faciliate the labor process. Conseqeuntly, all my feminist ire toward the medical system for its conventional approach to birth hit home, and I felt even more committed to having a natural birth (assuming I get pregnant again) and trusting my own instincts (coupled with a course or two) regarding pain management. I guess what I’m saying is that in some respects, supporting my body through the miscarriage was a big confidence booster.
More thoughts to come.
For anyone interested in reading more about the culture of pregnancy loss, check out Motherhood lost: A cultural account of pregnancy loss in America by Linda Layne. It’s a great book.
