This last BFN–which we received on Christmas Eve–was pretty tough.  It sucked to get a BFN, of course, but the BFN also signified the end of our year-long quest to get pregnant via our first IVF retrieval/fertilization from January 2007. It also marked the end of three years of trying to start a family.

What I have come to realize since the BFN last month is that I need to change how I approach all this fertility and trying to start a family stuff. For the past three years, we’ve been so focused on the current plan or figuring out the next plan, always assuming that something has to work out sometime. I am now realizing, however, that it might not hapen anytime soon. It’s already been three years and for all we know, if could be three more years, if not longer, before we become parents.  Assuming we get to become parents at all,which isn’t a guarantee (I[‘m not trying to be pessismistic, just stating that facts).  Thus, I feel that instead of just fighting against the infertility by always focusing on the latest plan, I also have to learn how to live with it, in spite of it. That is, I need to not get caught up in the whole trying to start a family thing to the point where I stop living my life, which is what I feel like has been slowly happening over the course of a long period of time. We may not have kids for a long time, so I have to find a way to enjoy life in the meantime and stay connected to the world and find a way to live with the uncertainty regarding the kid thing. It’s all about letting go and giving up the illusion that somehow, if I just focus all my energy on trying to have a kid, then I’ll get one. So far, that strategy hasn’t been working to well. At the same time, letting go isn’t about giving up or not coming up with plans. It’s just about cultivating a mindset where I keep moving forward with our plans without getting tunnel vision. I’m not sure if that makes sense or not. I’m still trying to figure it all out myself.