A change in perspective

This last BFN–which we received on Christmas Eve–was pretty tough.  It sucked to get a BFN, of course, but the BFN also signified the end of our year-long quest to get pregnant via our first IVF retrieval/fertilization from January 2007. It also marked the end of three years of trying to start a family.

What I have come to realize since the BFN last month is that I need to change how I approach all this fertility and trying to start a family stuff. For the past three years, we’ve been so focused on the current plan or figuring out the next plan, always assuming that something has to work out sometime. I am now realizing, however, that it might not hapen anytime soon. It’s already been three years and for all we know, if could be three more years, if not longer, before we become parents.  Assuming we get to become parents at all,which isn’t a guarantee (I[‘m not trying to be pessismistic, just stating that facts).  Thus, I feel that instead of just fighting against the infertility by always focusing on the latest plan, I also have to learn how to live with it, in spite of it. That is, I need to not get caught up in the whole trying to start a family thing to the point where I stop living my life, which is what I feel like has been slowly happening over the course of a long period of time. We may not have kids for a long time, so I have to find a way to enjoy life in the meantime and stay connected to the world and find a way to live with the uncertainty regarding the kid thing. It’s all about letting go and giving up the illusion that somehow, if I just focus all my energy on trying to have a kid, then I’ll get one. So far, that strategy hasn’t been working to well. At the same time, letting go isn’t about giving up or not coming up with plans. It’s just about cultivating a mindset where I keep moving forward with our plans without getting tunnel vision. I’m not sure if that makes sense or not. I’m still trying to figure it all out myself.

 

Catching up

Thanks Sbird, Atomic Mama, and Walternatives for welcoming me back so quickly after I wrote my last post.  That was a very pleasant surprise:-)  I don’t have much time to write, but I wanted to give a brief update on what’s been going on these past few months while I was away from the blogging world.

1) It turns out that one can develop post-partum issues after a miscarriage (who knew?).  I had postpartum anxiety for about 6-7 weeks at the beginning of my semester.  It sucked. So did the postpartum hair loss.  If I had to suffer through post-partum issues, it would have been nice to at least have gotten a baby out of it all.

2) We did another FET last month and it didn’t work. It also turns out that Lupron gives me blood pressure/vascular problems, which I am still dealing with.

3) The first draft of my book manuscript is due in 3-4 weeks. If I’m not posting much until then, this is probably why.

4) A lesson that I recently learned: It was probably a bad idea to do another FET while recovering from post-partum anxiety and trying to finish my book manuscript all at the same time.  Oh, and not taking more than a day off at a time from work and/or fertility things in over a year probably didn’t help matters.

5) Assuming that I have no major health issues, I’m feeling relaxed about (or am officially done with) the book, and my hormones are back in balance, we’ll probably do our last IVF cycle in late spring summer. If it doesn’t work, we’ll turn to  Plan D, whatever that is.

6) The state of China adoption is really depressing. We’re most likely at least three years away from a referral, assuming the program doesn’t end before this.

7) Snow Monkey and I are going on our first vacation in over a year after my book is done. From February 14-18, we’re going to Charleston, SC for four nights and three days. Woo Hoo!

8) Infertility can really suck the life out of a person. After three years of trying to start a family with no success, I’m feeling pretty worn down. My resolution this year is to get out of my funk and do a better job at not letting life pass me by while we wait for a child to come into our lives.

9) I discovered my new favorite chocolate this fall.  Green and Black’s 70% dark organic.

10) I have returned to Quaker meeting after four years away from it. It feels good to be back. Although I have to find a way to stay connected to my buddhist practice and community. I am a member of my buddhist group and run the children’s program. So I’m not sure how this all is going to turn out.

11) I realized this week that my window for finding pants that fit me is officially over.  For the past five years, I have been able to find pants–mainly at Ann Taylor Loft–that fit great. This past weekend, I went pants shopping for the first time in several years and NOTHING at any store fit me.  Not jeans, not work pants, nothing.  I’m sure I’ll find something at some point, but the days of strolling into Ann Taylor Loft, pulling a pair a pants off the rack, and doing a quick fit before buying them are a thing of the past. Wah.

12) Speaking of books (See #5), Snow Monkey’s book is out. Search for it by typing his name into Amazon.com

13) I think that it is for now.

 

IVF Barbies

I got this from my friend, Greta, who found it on MySpace.  I was a newbie barbie at one point and time, but I am definitely now a veteran barbie.  In case you are wondering, SnowMonkey is not IVF Ken Barbie.  There needs to be another Ken option who is not a wanker. LOL.

IVF Barbie

When Mattel were looking to design their new Barbie, IVF Barbie, they soon realized that there was not one universal Barbie that would accurately portray the spirit of IVF Barbie. So they decided they would come out with a few variations thereof.

Newbie Barbie: Newbie Barbie, also known as BabyDust Barbie is a bright, perky, Barbie, filled with optimism and confidence that IVF Will Work. She is thinner and usually younger than the other IVF Barbies. Her accessories include rose-tinted spectacles, a positive bank balance, healthy insurance coverage and a million questions. Newbie Barbie has lots of other Newbie Barbie friends and they congratulate each other on a job well done. This Barbie only says pleasant, optimistic things and believes that Attitude is Everything. Their motto is Think Positive!!

Pregnant Newbie Barbie: Pregnant Newbie Barbie is the big sister to Newbie Barbie. She is still slim, now with a cute belly. She is proof that IVF Does Work, usually the first time. She also comes with rose-tinted spectacles, a positive bank balance (only very slightly depleted) and total confidence that All Will Be OK. She glows when pregnant and liberally uses baby dust when playing with her sisters, the Newbie Barbies. She comes with Very Cute maternity clothes, a double stroller, and a fully decorated nursery even though she is only just a few weeks pregnant. Her motto is ‘See! Thinking Positive Works!!’. Newbie Barbie and Pregnant Newbie Barbies are great playmates and you can collect them as a set.

Joiner Barbie: Joiner Barbie is cousin to Newbie Barbie and Pregnant Newbie Barbie. Joiner Barbie comes with a group of friends just like her, and this group calls themselves by the name of a furry animal or has reference to a season. Think Spring Blossoms or Bubbly Bunnies. Accessories include a chart or table of some sorts, lots of smiley faces, baby dust (a glitter-like tub of ground up positive attitude that apparently has the power of hocus pocus to make one pg), declarations of eternal friendship and love and lots of ((((hugs)))).

Veteran Barbie: Veteran Barbies are not at all related to the Barbies above. Veteran Barbies are the Anti-Barbie. They are a whole lot plumper than the Newbie Barbies, less perky (in boobs and attitude), have grayer hair, a largely negative and over-drawn bank balance, plenty of bruises and marks and a slightly cynical attitude. They are dressed in comfy track pants with elasticated waistbands. Their accessories include a wealth of knowledge of reproductive procedures and protocol, the ability to practically do their own cycle, a snarky attitude, little tolerance for stupidity, a well defined sense of humor, the ability to laugh at themselves, a fondness for wine/beer/crack and a aversion to pineapple, baby dust and Newbie Barbies. This aversion in its more severe form can be allergic and acerbic. Veteran Barbies tend to swear quite a bit (especially when playing in the Barbie House with Newbie Barbies and Pregnant Newbie Barbies) and parental guidance is advised.

Pregnant Veteran Barbie: Very similar to Veteran Barbie, only now with an added dose of neuroses and paranoia. Continuously and obsessively over-analyses every twinge, convinced that the end is nigh. Only buys stroller and decorates nursery when in eighth month. Accessories include disbelief and a sense of not quite belonging, and 10 home pregnancy tests just in case the first one was faulty or the clinic made a mistake with her beta. Pregnant Veteran Barbies have been known to pee on the sticks up until the day before giving birth just to see the two lines.

Celebrity IVF Barbie: Celeb Barbie comes in two versions: Denial Celeb Barbie and Out the Closet IVF Barbie. Denial Celeb Barbie does not play with the other Barbies and pretends not to be an IVF Barbie at all. She drops the IVF part of her name and thinks ‘Donor Eggs’ is aswear word. She pretends that her twins at age 49 are Natural and she did it all On Her Own. She also claims her boobs are her own and that she has never had a face life, hence her credibility is not at an all time high. Out the Closet IVF Barbie is the preferred Barbie. We like her.

IVF Ken: Ken is a wanker. Sorry to sound so harsh, but besides being a wanker there is very little that Ken does in IVF land. Sometimes Ken administers shots, hands out tissues and occasionally accompanies the Barbies to their Dr’s visits (normally during the first few cycles only), but mostly he is just a wanker. If you choose an IVF Ken, then try and get one that also cooks or does DIY. Otherwise just sit him down in front of your Barbie TV and let him know when it is time for him to do his, um, contribution. Mostly the Barbies love their Kens, unless Ken is being particularly insensitive or obnoxious, then he becomes a wanker in all senses of the word. Some IVF Barbies don’t even have a Ken and they do just fine. If you do find a good Ken, hang on to him, don’t swap him with your other friends.

RE Ken: RE Ken is the all knowing, all seeing Ken. He might be a wanker, or not, but here we are talking about being a wanker in the figurative sense. He could also be very nice. He may call you by your first name but you may only call him Doctor. His accessories are many and wonderful. He comes with a zooty new car (normally very expensive), a smart house, a very healthy bank balance and a holiday home or two. RE Ken knows every thing and is considered second only to God. Some RE Kens are kind, some are not. They are all rich. Ken’s office is filled with fun toys like ultra sound machines, dildo like probes, waiting rooms filled with the different types of Barbies (some annoyingly come with miniature Barbies or Kens en tow), medicines, procedures rooms etc. RE Ken also comes with a free Nurse (Ratchet) Barbie, who will not return your calls, will hand out annoying platitudes and generally add to your frustration levels. When purchasing RE Ken you will get Ultrasound Ken and BloodDrawer Ken. Unfortunately they come as a package deal and you are not able to get RE Ken without them, they aren’t as much fun. However, you will need a RE Ken if you are going to play the IVF Barbie game.

Mattel foresee a big demand for these Barbies and say that for extra fun and lively interaction, collect the full set of IVF Barbies, put them in the Barbie house together and see the sparks fly.

 

A few thoughts about the miscarriage

First off, I want to thank everyone who offered Snowmonkey and I support and condolences for our pregnancy loss.  It really meant a lot to us.  Now that we’ve had over a week to grieve and process this loss, I wanted to attempt to articulate some thoughts and feelings that I have had.  FYI, these thoughts are very preliminary and not full fleshed out.  I’m still trying to sort them out for myself.

1) The culture of pregnancy loss is more mother-centered than father-centered. That is, the mother recieves more attention from others than the father does. Plus, there are more resources (written, online, etc.) for mothers experiencing pregnancy loss than there are for fathers experiencing it.  Both Snowmonkey and I noticed this.  Part of it has to do with how our culture equates reproduction, fertility, pregnancy, and parenthood with womenhood/motherhood and leaves fathers/men on the sidelines.  We’ve noticed this at other times, particularly in the context of our infertility treatments, which we are doing because of SnowMonkey’s infertility problem.

The other reason why fathers get left out of the culture of pregnancy loss is because our society focuses more on the physical dimensions of miscarriage (which the woman goes through) than on the emotional dimensions of miscarriage (which both parents go through).  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that people/society ignore the emotional dimensions of miscarriage. Rather, it is that pregnancy loss is a taboo subject of sorts, a topic that you’re not supposed to dwell on for too long because it makes people uncomfortable.   In other words, the emotional pain of a miscarriage last much longer than the physical pain, but after a certain point, you’re not supposed to talk about that emotional pain anymore.

2)  I had a natural miscarriage, which means that I waited until my body was ready to expel the fetus and uterine tissue rather than have a D&C or induce the miscarriage with drugs.  To be sure, the miscarriage sucked.  It started full force around 12:30 PM yesterday and lasted until 10:00 that night.   The most severe pain occurred between 8 and 10 PM.  People liken miscarriage pains to early labor contractions but without the breaks in between.  I can relate to that description, as my cramps/contractions during that two-hour time period didn’t let up the entire time.  (Although once my body expelled all the clots it needed to get out, the contractions ended pretty quickly).   I am glad I belong to a pregnancy and mothering support group, as I would not have been prepared for the amount of blood and clots that came out of my body. Nor would I have been prepared for the physical pain of it all.  In short, I found the experience physically and emotionally exhausting.

At the same time, I also found the experience empowering and exhilerating. Your body goes through this very intense process and it just sort of knows what it needs to do to expel the fetus from the body.   I really appreciated having the opportunity to experience my body as it did its thing. I also found it empowering to find ways to manage the pain without drugs.  When the two hour contraction surge set in, I sort of instinctually knew what I needed to do to deal with the pain. I had a sense that walking would help, which it did.  I also had a sense that certain–albeit modifed–yoga positions would help, and I was right. Perhaps my most important insight came when I tried to lie down on my back at one point (I was trying to watch a movie through some of this and though that lying down would help) and the position made my pain much worse.  This made me experience first how how the traditional position for giving birth (on your back) is not necessarily the best way to faciliate the labor process.   Conseqeuntly, all my feminist ire toward the medical system for its conventional approach to birth hit home,  and I felt even more committed to having a natural birth (assuming I get pregnant again) and trusting my own instincts (coupled with a course or two) regarding pain management.   I guess what I’m saying is that in some respects, supporting my body through the miscarriage was a big confidence booster.

More thoughts to come.

For anyone interested in reading more about the culture of pregnancy loss, check out Motherhood lost: A cultural account of pregnancy loss in America by Linda Layne. It’s a great book.

 

I was pregnant, but now I’m not

We had our FET on May 25th and I got pregnant. Our 1st ultrasound on June 13 showed that we were carrying one baby, and that the gestational and yolk sacs were developing well. Yesterday, we had our 2nd ultrasound to check for the heartbeat. There was none, and based on the size of the baby, it stopped growing last week.

This is probably the worst pain I have ever felt.

Thanks for all your support over the past few months.

 

Things to do while on bedrest

With my transfer coming up soon, I have had to brainstorm things I can do while on bedrest for three days.  Here’s what I’ve come up with:

1) Crossword puzzles: I bought a collection of New York Times weekday and weekend puzzles.

2) Books: I have three books lined up–The World According to Mimi Smartypants (Mimi Smartpants), Kabul Beauty School: An American Woman Goes Behind the Veil (Deborah Rodriquez), and Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith (Anne Lamott).

3) TV shows:  SnowMonkey and I got the first half of season one of Gilmore Girls from NetFlix.

4) The phone: I have several long distance friends with whom I plan to catch up that weekend.

5) SLEEP!

 

A good day

After a productive work day, Paul and I went out for an early dinner at my favorite Milwaukee restaurant, Roots.  It has great food, great architecture, and a great view of downtown.  Also, various magazines have voted it one of the top twenty green restaurants in the country.

Then, in a few hours, we are going to watch the two-hour season finale of Lost.  Woo Hoo!

Here’s a photo that I took of Roots tonight. If you look closely, you can see SnowMonkey sitting on the deck.

Here’s the view of downtown as seen (without a wide angle lens, unfortunately) from the sidewalk in front of Roots:

Speaking of photos, here’s one that I took earlier today of the Tiger Lily that I got at my Mother-in-the-Making brunch. Ten days later, and it is still going strong.  Hopefully I didn’t just jinx it!)

 

I’m done

The semester and school year have finally ended. Thank god. I am so tired and burned out. Now, I can focus on recuperating a bit, working on my book full-time, and getting prepared for the transfer.

Tomorrow, I am celebrating the end of school, mother-in-the-making day, and my upcoming transfer with a full body massage. I can’t wait.

In the latest FBT news, these cancer estrogen patches that I’m wearing aren’t adhering to my skin well. I have to use lots of medical tape to get them to stay in place.  I think that they are working though. I’m feeling more headachey than usual, which is one of their less serious side effects. Or maybe the headaches are from my end-of-the-semester burn out.  I guess I’ll know for sure next week when I go in to see if my uterine lining is thickening properly.

 

It’s the little things

Even though I can’t do patch art,  I have experiences other perks from going through the FBT process. For example, I get to take a St. Joseph’s aspirin everyday from now until my transfer (Low doses of aspirin help promote blood flow, and increasing blood flow to my uterus is my number one priority at the moment).  Anyway, the reason that I love taking this aspirin is because St. Joseph’s makes orange flavored chewable tablets, which taste like orange creamsicles.  I took these as a kid.  Yum!

Another benefit of the FBT is that Snow Monkey is doing lots of nice things for me.  Like giving me lots of head rubs and filling up my water glass every night before bed.  Yay for Snow Monkey!

 

Here’s the bear

I finally got batteries for my camera.  The bear is lying on the bed in the guest bedroom:

In other news, the 2-day referral batch is official. The theory is that there wasn’t a slow down but that there was a very large number of dossiers logged in on those two days.